Culture Bunker

Senator Obama spoke to a crowd of over 200,000 people today in Berlin. Historic. Epic. Magnificent. In Obama, we are going to have a President who will allow us all to believe again.

What’s your favorite movie? I was put on the spot by someone who was all about 70s old school films, and I blanked. How do you answer? “Favorite” doesn’t mean you’re going to defend them academically as the paragon of film. Does it mean the films you’re emotionally attached to? What about trashy films that you watch over and over? What would your list look like if it was posited as “what are your favorite films if you were trying to impress people/get laid/sound like a cineaste?”

My favorite films, in the order thought of:

Star Wars, Apocalypse Now!, The Godfather, The Seven-Ups, Vanishing Point, Dune, Blade Runner, Alien, Phantasm, Exotica, Ararat, The Conformist, LA Confidential, The Matrix, Animal House, Stripes, Caddyshack, Groundhog Day, Rushmore, The Darjeeling Limited, Down By Law, Fargo, Cemetery Man, The Guns of Navarone, Dirty Harry, Thin Red Line, Babe, The French Connection, Five Easy Pieces, The Passenger, The Shining, 2001: A Space Odyssey, A Clockwork Orange, Spirited Away, Kiss Me Deadly, Out of the Past, The Big Sleep, The Maltese Falcon, Casablanca, North By Northwest, Unforgiven, Wild Strawberries, Dr. Strangelove, Syriana, Men With Guns, The Ice Harvest, Frailty, High Fidelity, Near Dark, Mulholland Drive, Blue Velvet, Taxi Driver, Red Kiss, Delicatessen, Amelie, City of Lost Children, The Thing, A Place In The Sun, West Side Story, Grease, Pulp Fiction, Romeo Is Bleeding, LOTR: Fellowship of The Ring, Meantime, If…, O Lucky Man, Secrets & Lies, Nil By Mouth, Quadrophenia, My Life As A Dog, One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, Paris Texas, Scanners, Something Wild, Lifeforce, Fast Times At Ridgemont High, A Chinese Ghost Story, Sante Sangre, Klute, Invasion Of The Body Snatchers (70s), Karakter, Downfall, City of God, This Is Spinal Tap, The Princess Bride, Zoolander, All That Jazz, Memento, Night Falls On Manhattan, The Freshman, The Verdict, Dog Day Afternoon, Moulin Rouge, Strictly Ballroom, Baby It’s You, American Graffiti, Barry Lyndon, The Killing Of A Chinese Bookie, Young Frankenstein, The Jerk, Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead, The Great Waldo Pepper, The Sting, Spartan, Basic, Valley Girl, The Constant Gardener, Sunshine, Quiz Show,  … 

Pamela Anderson won’t go away. The chuckleheads over at E! have funded a reality TV show about the human blow-up doll. Posters around town feature “Pam” in a Bob Fosse styled bowler hat and French cut one-piece, with the tagline: “Pam: Girl On The Loose.” 

I can only assume that the this title won out after a lengthy nomination process, with the runners-up being:

1. Pam: Skank on the TV.

2. Pam: Human freakshow on the cheap.

3. Pam: mid-40s softcore porn star desperately milking career for one last gasp.

And I do mean “milking it.” Seriously. What is wrong with people? Anderson has had half a dozen boob jobs over the years, some resulting in single breasts twice as large as her head. Yet 13 year old boys somewhere out there think this is rad. Look at this picture of her: plucked, pencil-thin eyebrows, inflated lips, bleached out hair, ginormous fake boobs. Is there anything “real” about her? And what does it say about the adults who find her attractive? Mama weaned you too early?

Things you hear all the time are supposed to become conventional ‘wisdom.’ But I’m not buying it. Here are some things that fall into this category:

1. Heath Ledger - sorry the guy accidentally OD’d, but aside from “Brokeback Mountain” name one good film he was in? “Lords of Dogtown,” “The Order,” “Ned Kelly,” “Four Feathers,” a fuckin’ “Knight’s Tale”? See what I mean? They are hyping the ever-loving shit out of the new Batman and his role as Joker because I would imagine the producers smell Oscar.  

2. Sean Combs. One thing I will never do is drink Ciroc vodka. Ciroc is now the official brand of brainless self-promoting egomaniacs everywhere, hurrah! And you know what else? The giant masturbatory billboard you bought near Hollywood and Highland that reads, “From Brooklyn to Hollywood, I’ve arrived” is possibly the tackiest, weakest, most pathetic billboard since, well, the one featured below.

3. More to come!

You do your best to raise your children properly, but there is always the chance this carefully crafted hothouse will yield a different bloom. Despite your best efforts -

1. Your son might grow up to be a Republican.

2. Your son might marry a Republican.

3. Your son might become a fan of Liverpool FC. (”FC” stands for “fuckin’ clowns!”)

4. After all those hours of practice, making the transition to professional sports, your son might play for Liverpool.

These days everything is still good. My son is still a massive fan of Thomas the Tank Engine, soccer games, Manchester United’s Wayne Rooney, and popsicles. Rafa Benitez can hang!

Beck’s new album hit today. Produced by “Danger Mouse,” after one listen to its scant 33 minutes, I can imagine the following conversation taking place during recording/mixing.

Beck: How’s that sound?

Danger Mouse: Good. Just go into the next room, I’ll leave the mic in this room.

Beck: You want me to sing from down the hall?

Danger Mouse: Yeah. That’ll give me time to compress the shit out of everything.

Beck: Make sure to add tape hiss to every song, like it’s an instrument.

Danger Mouse: ‘Tape…hiss.’ Got it! Good idea, mate!

Beck: Also, my records have been known for their amazing beats, can we do something different this time out?

Danger Mouse: Sure! No problem! How about I throw in a bunch of thin, tinny beats that appear to have no relation to the rhythm of the rest of the song?

Beck: That’s it! Exactly.

July 4th saw old Ms America turn another year older. I went to the Galaxy game (Spoiler alert: they lost 2-1) then to a BBQ the next day out in Altadena.

Even with 2 kinds of rum punch, it’s hard to get overly excited about July 4th. If everything we were warned about in elementary school wasn’t coming to pass these days, things like overpopulation, pollution, rainforest destruction, ice caps melting, global fuel wars, dependance on hostile nations for oil, etc., etc., etc., or if those dipshits in power were in the dock awaiting trial instead of gloating about destroying our Constitution - then might I feel there was something worth celebrating.

News today reveals Dick Cheney’s office censored a report on global warming, ending up with 6 of 14 pages being deleted. Is this guy an inhuman monster? Why is he not impeached, like, yesterday? Isn’t suppressing evidence like this tantamount to TRYING TO KILL US ALL? I mean, seriously, what the fuck is this guy on?

I think everyone is so exhausted with the non-ending treadmill of scandals coming out of the Bush White House that they’re too beat to do anything other than hang on for Jan 19, 2009, Bush’s last day in office. Without a solid majority in either house, we can’t impeach, but if this November election turns out how it’s being forecast, as a blowout landslide for Obama, then the first order of business is to send some cats to prison. No pardons this time.

Don’t take this to mean everyone should go out tomorrow and start tripping balls on mushrooms, but… well, that’s not such a bad idea. Anyone interested should pick up a copy of Aldous Huxley’s “Island” to read how a drug like mushrooms can play a significant role in right of passage or religious rituals.

Spain won their first major trophy in 44 years by beating Germany 1-0 on Sunday. Fernando Torres, who evidently enjoys eating rats because he joined Liverpool FC, scored the game’s only goal. The runners-up, Germany were captained by fieldmarshall Michael Ballack, a man who has now come in 2nd four times this season: Premier League, Champions League, Carling Cup and now European Championship. If Ballack wasn’t such a bully and cheapshot artist, I might feel sorry for him.

This Sunday the European Championship will draw to a close in what hopefully will be an open, end to end, frenetic match for the history books.

The key for the Germans is getting Michael Ballack to feed Lukas Podolski the ball, and covering/smothering the midfield trickery of Cesc Fabregas. Spain sound like the better team on paper, and they haven’t won a big trophy since 1968, so they’re certainly up for it. If Torres finds his scoring boots, the Germans are in trouble.

Prediction: Germany 1 Spain 3

Both matches went to penalties after a 120 minute stalemate. Spain deservedly saw off Italy, as they had the lion’s share of possession, shots, and chances. Italy sat back in classic boring fashion, creating no chances and relying on the odd counter-attack to Luca Toni. Toni should be awarded the Oscar for his diving and flopping theatrics.

The final four teams are now Spain, Turkey, Germany and Russia. 3 of 4 group winners were knocked out in their first match, leaving Spain the only country to advance.

Pre-tournament favorites Germany romped to an early 2-0 lead inside of the half hour against a Portugal side struggling to find any kind of rhythm.

Portugal is infamous for recovering in the dying moments of a match, and came roaring back with the introduction of Nani. With his Man Utd teammate Ronaldo, the duo carved open Germany’s defense twice. The determined Germans, however, nicked a third goal to send Portugal crashing out of the tournament. 

So much for the Holland v. Portugal final I was expecting!

Les Blues just didn’t show up for their match against Italy. The Dutch team beat Romania, meaning whichever side won would progress to the last 8. The Italians have not at all been playing well, but against the French they like spritely and assertive. Quel dommage!

Germany face Portugal today. 

Space Shuttle Discovery completed its 14 day mission and returned to earth safely on Saturday. check out this link to “meet” the 8 member crew. All from today’s NY Times. Who knows what they are doing up there on the $100 Billion space station, but I look at it as baby steps for whatever is necessary to finally open up colonization of other planets. We are never going to get off this rock if we don’t have an active, robust space program. 

Holland is clearly finding their stride, after having pounded the hapless Italians 3-0, they gave France a right tonking in their 4-1 romp today in Berne. My money was on Holland at the start of this tournament and none of the other countries look close to dissuading me from that view.

The Bard of Barking, Billy Bragg, is on tour supporting his new release, “Mr. Love & Justice.” He was in Los Angeles on Tuesday, at the historic El Rey Theater. For this tour, Billy is back to basics with just a guitar, a big nose and a Cockney accent. If you haven’t seen him, he’s an awesome live show. Half the “set” is generally filled with loopy anecdotes and lengthy empowerment exhortations that make you feel renewed, spiritualized, and revived. Billy Bragg’s new album features a couple songs that rank up with his best, including “If You Ever Leave,” and “O Freedom,” and hearing these songs live makes them all the more vibrant. Go to Billy Bragg’s website for tour dates.

The smart money was on Italy to beat Holland, as the Dutch had not beaten Italy since 1978. Smart money be damned! - as Holland thrashed an old, slow, subdued Italy 3-0. Goals from Ruud Van Nistelrooy, Giovanni von Bronckhorst and Wesley Sneijder. Someone needs to ask the Italy manager why he went with AC Milan’s entire midfield — yeah, that AC Milan that did not even qualify for the Champions League.

The first-half controversy stemming from Van Nistelrooy’s opening goal requires everyone to consult their rule books. If a defender stumbles off the pitch, are they still “active” and playing an attacker onside? The answer is “yes.” It’s different if a player is injured and comes off, or comes back on without the ref’s permission, but think of what would happen if a defender hugged the byeline and merely stepped off when a ball was played through. Result: goal.

Van Nistelrooy is as lethal as ever. Sorry you got rid of him now, Fergie? To be honest, Alex Ferguson was a cunt to Van Nistelrooy, leaving him out of the Carling Cup final, banning him from Roy Keane’s testimonial (a match played to honor a certain player featuring their friends and various legends), benching him for 6 consecutive league matches (while that donkey Louis Saha got to play), and finally benching him on the final match of the season. Prior to this spiteful, assholery from Fergie, Van Nistelrooy was the leading scorer by several goals, and his absence allowed Thierry Henry to overtake him, so Fergie in essence robbed him of another award.

And all because Van Nistelrooy, as the marksman ne plus ultra, had a row with Cristiano Ronaldo in training. Remember Ronaldo before he was the Wonderboy? Remember him dribbling into the corner, falling over and shooting into Row Z?

After all the hoopla of Cristiano Ronaldo’s impressive 42 goal season, let’s not forget that Van Nistelrooy bettered that tally with 44 goals… and he was the leading scorer in the Champions League…three separate times, and was the top scorer in three different European leagues. He bagged 150 goals in 200 United appearances, an amazing tally. If Van Nistelrooy was still in the Manchester United side, we would have won everything at a canter, because a 30+ goals a year striker is exactly what is missing from the current Man Utd side, and is exactly what Fergie is shopping for right now.

And how is dear lad Ronaldo repaying Fergie’s unswerving devotion that saw us ship to Real Madrid one of the best strikers in the world? Well, now Ronaldo wants to join Real Madrid himself. 

Two good shows coming up at Gallery 1988.

Brandi Milne’s solo show opens Friday, June 13th at 7pm.

Matt Dangler’s first solo show opens Thursday, June 19th, 7pm.

Can’t find an image link yet, but check out their site.

The USA men’s soccer team held the #1 team in the world to a draw in a pulsating encounter before 80,000 fans at Giants Stadium on Sunday. The USA vs. Argentina match saw us finally turn up and show what we can do, unlike recent beatings by England and Spain. This scoreless draw represents an achievement for the USA. MOTM (man of the match) easily was goalkeeper Tim Howard with 7 first-half saves.

Due to what appears to be referee error in the 71st minute, USA’s Pablo Mastroeni was sent off for a 2nd yellow card in a case of mistaken identity. Argentina were unable to capitalize on being a man up, and then themselves went down to 10 men when monkey of the match Javier Mascherano clobbered Landon Donovan with studs showing in the 86th minute. Anyone who has seen Mascherano play for his club Liverpool knows that he is a stupid monkey of the first order, a devious little pest who loves a late tackle or a dirty foul.

Coach Bob Bradley got some things right this time around, as the USA looked a completely different side from the one who faced England a couple weeks back in a toothless encounter. Overall I think we were near excellent with spells of real menace. Had we not been wrongly reduced to 10 men, we could have won it. One question for Bob Bradley is, where was Joze Altidore? That’s who should be up top, not Eddie Johnson.

Michael Bradley, Clint Dempsey, Eddie Lewis, and Landon Donovan all are performing at a level just below what is needed to turn the USA into a real footballing powerhouse. Argentina, as the #1 ranked team, was expected to run roughshod over us with a cricket score, and this was a side featuring Barcelona’s wunderkind Lionel Messi in attack, along with Real Madrid’s Gabby Heinze, and Liverpool’s Javier “the Monkey” Mascherano; it wasn’t their youth team. 

There has been talk for decades of the emerging USA, awakening the sleeping beast, and tonight’s match showed that we’re finally waking up. We had 8 shots to their 9, and hit the crossbar early in the second half - almost stealing a win! So close! Good job, lads!

Special Praise: Tim Howard, Danny Califf, Heath Pearce.

Scorn: Freddie Adu (clear the ball, just clear it when you’re in our penalty area), Eddie Johnson (pace but no brains, can’t stay onside), Oguchi Onyewu (takes naps when he should be tracking back).

Robert Buck’s new show opens June 12 at CRG Gallery, 535 West 22nd Street, 2nd Floor, NYC. For examples of Buck’s work, go here.